You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
