haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
