Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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