im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I smell like Dick and happiness
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
