those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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