Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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