Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
