My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
