Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
