How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
