Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
