just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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