Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
