I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize