She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize