Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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