The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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