Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize