my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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