sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
