i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
