I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
