I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
oh god was she eating orange peels again
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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