I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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