saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize