I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
