How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
