You're a womanizer and a bitch.
her vagine was all disorganized.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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