if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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