his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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