imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
