These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
