I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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