I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
