I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm too high and old for this...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize