Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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