I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
