The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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