im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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