I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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