I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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