Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
