Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
