1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
