I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize