I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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