I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
