There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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