Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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