you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
