Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
