The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
