I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
