Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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