Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize