His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
