I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
