Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
