Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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