Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you would pick up someone in the library
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
