woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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