I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
