i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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