I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
