I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
